too tired to even care about the tittle....

i totally have no idea what's wrong with me
i've been acting like a total jerk this few days
i've broke many hearts
i'm being like, totally, reclusive
i don't feel like talking,
replying messages,
and i don't know what this feeling...
kinda empty, lonely... like i've no one around me
something is like, blocking my inspiration from coming to me.
i can't write, draw or design....
i really really don't know....
for some unknown reason, i feel like going to the mall alone, walking alone, watching movie alone..... i don't want to care about the world around me...
i want to pretend like i don't have friends... like i'm all alone...
it's really hard to explain....
it's like i want to keep the emptiness myself..
i feel like i'm suffocating but i'm too lazy to move out from this space.
i want to hang out with them like old time
but i don't even want to try
and when they're the one who did all the trying...
i was like, 'get lost. i don't feel like chatting'....
i hate myself... sometime i feel like i'm a total jerk..
i feel like they're drifting apart from me..
but indeed i am the one who's drifting apart...
i don't know...sometime i think i shouldn't have any friends..
no one can understand me... even i can't understand myself...
i should live alone.. no one to love... and no one to be love
i feel suffocated, annoyed, irritated....
my mind is busy thinking about something i should just feel with my heart.
i'm sick of pretending like i'm being content with everything
content with no one ever understand me,
content with losing almost everything i love in my life,
content with letting go,
content with having to be polite when you don't want to,
content with this, content with that... i'm so sick!!!!!!!!!
sometime i just want to lay down doing nothing..
i just want to watch the world move around me
without getting involve in it
without thinking of any circumstances, consequences, percentages....
but i can only achieve that (maybe) if and only if i were dead...
maybe~
and God this laptop screen is so bright i can't even see what i'm writing!
ugh!
*sigh*.....