Just A Dream

Listening to Carrie Underwood's Just A Dream
And suddenly I was thinking
Don't we all wish our life was just a long dream
sometime we just wish we would wake up
and everything is back to 'normal'
where we don't have to pay a high price for happiness
where sadness and loneliness and sorrowness is not more than just fairytales
and where we can play under the warmth of sun on the grass field all life long?
I don't know..
I sometime wish I would live in a perfect world
where I don't have to live with a secret
where I don't have to try so hard everyday to fake a smile
to cover my tears
to walk steadily when deep inside I can't even hardly breathe
where everything stays the same everyday
no one left, no one dies...
where I can just talk with people about stuffs that I don't even need a blog anymore to babble around and make people wonder, "what's the hell is he writin'?"
Oh that actually gimme an idea to write a song..
Thanks Carrie. for a girl who come from a trashy reality tv show, you're quite amazing..
*sigh*
Can't wait to go home tomorrow
Sadam almost convince me to stay and go back the day after but I was like, nah....
Nyte2 bloggers!!
love y'all....
Ahhhh.. Good to be back and babbling.

Farewell Bolt

*sigh*
what a life.. my friends convince me to not do all this luahan perasaan thingy on my wordpress blog because the blog is actually for educational purpose.. whatsoever..
today I found out that one of my hamster is dead..
Bolt.. it's not Usain Bolt ok!!
It's a she... a beautiful she..
I don't know.. That's why I always menentang keras when mom decided to buy my lil sis hamster.. They know nothing about that creature..
I myself don't really know anything about hamsters..
Well, I do know more than them though..
It's a shame to keep a hamster just so it can die just like that..
It's devastating.. They're such a beautiful God creature..

Ok, why am I sounding like a scripted speech-giver on some-I-don't-know-who-the-heck-are-you-one's funeral?

*sigh*
I just don't care..
While doing my paper today suddenly I remembered Tipsy, Flupsy, Emma, Betsy, Kingston, Gloria, Sasha and most of all... Panda
I don't know..
Sometime I figured out I'm just too lonely until I created such bond with such creature
Beautiful creature
My mom always get mad at me when I laugh with them. Or talk to them when I'm all alone in my room. Or talk to them when everyone else is asleep..
But who else should I talk to?
About my dark secret? About all these such unimportant-to-others-but-important-to-me stuff that I'm afraid people will laugh at and say, "You're such a child" if I ever talk to them about all those..
They never laugh at me or say, "If you do that I'll tell all your secrets to everyone"
Ok maybe because they aren't capable of doing both of that but it's just that..
When I'm with them I feel so happy..
Like how I felt when I'm with dad...
I hate feeling so alone and unneeded..
When I'm with them it was just like, they're filling my empty hearts with joys and make me remembered back all those how-happiness-really-feels-like stuff..
Geez... I'm sooo pathetic..
Whatever. I'm so going to get a cat when I'm working one day..
I don't need anyone else.. I think...
*sigh*
Farewell Bolt... Sorry I forgot your first name...

100 Questions (very long. don't read if u don't want to have eyeache...)

WHAT WAS YOUR:

1. Last beverage: my sahur, nasik n ayam kari

2. Last phone call: sadam

3. Last text message: sadam (geez whether I'm a loser or we are a gay couple)

4. Last song you listened to : Glee-Faithfully

5. Last time you cried: Two post ago... hate it. Sheeshh....

HAVE YOU EVER:

6. Dated someone twice : I've never even date once

7. Been cheated on : I don't think I have to answer that

8. Kissed someone & regretted it : I wish.... nah... maybe.... whatever...

9. Lost someone special: people come and go in our lives so yup

10. Been depressed: like, a lot of time!!

11. Been alone: always

LIST THREE FAVORITE COLOURS:

12. black

13. red

14. any dark colour that represent rebellious-ness

THIS YEAR (2010) HAVE YOU:

15. Made a new friend: lots of them

16. Fallen out of love: hmmm.. yeah once. or maybe it's just a crush?

17. Laughed until you cried: with my new friends? hell yeah!

18. Met someone who changed you: maybe... not some.. a lot actually...

19. Found out who your true friends were: dunno

20. Found out someone was talking about you: maybe. should I care?

21. Kissed anyone on your friend's list: gross! I don't kiss friends!

22. How many people on your friends list do you know in real life: 20%

23. How many kids do you want to have: I hate kids. they're annoying. they keep asking us to make the same joke over and over again. stupid little cute creature!!

24. Do you have any pets: hamsters

25. Do you want to change your name?: nope. but I want to have a second name.

26. What did you do for your last birthday: nothing special

27. What time did you wake up today: 9.00 am..

28. What were you doing at midnight last night : watching Friends. why do you care anyway?

29. Name something you CANNOT wait for: to get rich and have my own apartment

30. Last time you saw your Mother: couple weeks ago

31. What is one thing you wish you could change about your life : ermm.......

32. What are you listening to right now: addicted to Love The Way You Lie

33. Have you ever talked to a person named Tom: what kinda stupid question is that? shesshh...

34. What's getting on your nerves right now: the fact that maybe I'll be dead before I can achieve my dream because of some sort of nuclear war?

35. Most visited webpage: facebook

36. Whats your real name: you stupid CIA! I'm not gonna give my name! wait you can already detect it right? pft.. whatever.

37. Nicknames: not something stupid like 'manja' or 'luq luq'

38. Relationship Status: messing around

39. Zodiac sign: virgo

40. Male or female?: bieber. hah! take that! confusing eh....

41. Elementary: sk sri beroleh

42. Middle School?: high school batu pahat

43. High school/college?: matrics johor, ukm

44. Hair colour: black

45. Long or short: afro

46. Height: last time I check is 18something....

47. Do you have a crush on someone : used to.. maybe still... no... dunno...

48: What do you like about yourself? : hmm?

49. Piercings: why?

50. Tattoos: where?

51. Righty or lefty: righty

FIRSTS :

52. First surgery: when I was seven...

53. First piercing: why would I pierce myself, if I may ask?

54. First best friend: ricky iskandar

55. First sport you joined: not my thingy

56. First vacation: Paris... I wish

57. First kiss: *sigh* never

58. First pair of trainer: trainer is a kind of shoes right?

RIGHT NOW

59. Eating: chocolate chip cookies

60. Drinking: mineral..... ups. I mean, treated water...

61. I'm about to: sleep

62. Listening to: the sound of the fan spinning

63. Waiting : to finish this stupid question

YOUR FUTURE :

64. Want kids?: babies? yes. kids? not a chance in hell.

65. Get Married?: nope. who want to be stucked with the same person for the rest of their lives?

66. Career?: teacher and part time designer? I dunno...

WHICH IS BETTER :

67. Lips or eyes: eyes

68. Hugs or kisses: hugs. the feeling of others warmth when they hug you is breathtaking.

69. Shorter or taller: taller

70. Older or Younger: older

71. Romantic or spontaneous: I like people who are gile2 so I'll say spontaneous

72. Nice stomach or nice arms: nice stomach

73. Sensitive or loud: I'm already doing the sensitive thingy so I'll say loud

74. Hook-up or relationship: relationship

75. Trouble maker or hesitant: is neither a choice?

HAVE YOU EVER :

76. Kissed a stranger: I really want to know what is it feels like

77. Drank hard liquor: I don't wanna get addicted and have a beer gut

78. Lost glasses/contacts: what?

79. Dye your hair: yup. black

80. Broken someone's heart: I hope I broke that motherfucker's heart!!

81. Been drunk: never

82. Been arrested: never

83. Turned someone down: like? be more specific dumbass!!

84. Cried when someone died: no I don;t cry. I'm actually a robot send from the future to protect John Connor

85. Fallen for a friend?: hmmm.....

DO YOU BELIEVE IN:

86. Yourself: seldom

87. Miracles: yes. I believe in unicorn and fairy too.

88. Love at first sight: nope

89. Heaven: yup

90. Santa Claus: ho ho ho no.

91. God: yup

92. Angels: yup

93. Hopes: have any better option?

ANSWER TRUTHFULLY:

94. Had more than 1 girlfriend/boyfriend at a time: I never been in a relationship. how many time do I have to tell you?

95. Did you sing today?: yeah yeah whatever

96. Ever cheated on somebody?: if I ever saw one more question about relationship I am going to throw a tantrum.

97. If you could go back in time, how far would you go?: back when I was a sperm and have nothing to worry about?

98. If you could pick a day from last year and relive it, what would it be?: there's one day...owh that is this year....

99. Are you afraid of falling in love?: yeah.. it sucks in every way

100. Posting this as 100 truths?: and let everyone know i have nothing better to do? alright.

*I'm this close to throwing a fit!!*q

hmmm.... hurrmmm.... yeap.

oh shit I am soooo damn tired!!
but i felt guilty for leaving my blog unattended for sooo long.
well, I need to recuperate from all of this puasa-raya post-partum thingy you know..
hehehe?

ahem2. whatever it is I'm all back and well now
well although my roommate still plays sad raya song using loudspeaker I don't really care that much.
I've my own weapon. Playlist with heck full of English songs!!!
muahahahahahahahaha!!! How about that for a counter attack!! dush2!!
and when I felt bored with my playlist, I'll just watch Friends...
good show.. I wish I'm big enough to understand how good the series is when it is in it golden era... when everyone wants Rachael haircut and when Pheobe's fashion sense is still acceptable...

*sigh* I'm so tired... just finish the slide show for tomorrow presentation
I never know doing slide show is that hard
geez.... if I were to become a teacher (which I will) I'll prefer chalk and blackboard
but I can't stand the dust though....
hmmmmmmmmm...
now I know how hard it is to become a teacher
there's one subject called Teaching Profession which exposed to this whole thingy of being a teacher
man I was wrong when I say taking a TESL course is easier than chemical engineering or, you know, mere engineering. whatever.
sheesshhh... am I taking about study now here?
gosh.....
and one more thing-I HATE E-LEARNING!!!!!
it takes all the fun that is the internet!!
each time I went online the only thing that (have to) came into my mind is
"owh I have to open up www..... for my next assignment" or "I have to register at www..... to do exercises"
when is internet was all fun and no errr.... no fun?
I don't even have time to plant anything on my farmville
and my animals are starving in my zoo-which I feel so bad because I am an animal lover
sheessshhhh!!! damn it! damn it!!
owh... I'm sooo depressed..
and there are (actually, true) story about how a student was soo stressed he went cuckoo and cut his wrist and jump from the fourth floor of the building!
how cool is that!!??
imagine you're walking to class and suddenly, "ops, I just step on a body"
hahahahhahahahahahaha
but it didn't happen in my college though..
it happens at Pendeta Zaaba College which has a record of student died because of falling down the fourth floor too, but not suicide of course..
maybe it is a kind of curse?
whatever.
because it is so far away from here I can't go there and act all Nancy Drew and go investigate it
like how I did when someone broke into my room when I was in matrics
but that 'investigation' actually doesn't lead anywhere too....
but I still believe who(or maybe what)ever did that is a psycho...
I mean leaving the crime scene as neat as it can within a short period of time..
aaahhhhh... that is like the coolest day of my life..
I'm a victim!!! the other day I was a nobody and the next day, I am THE VICTIM!!!
hahahahahahahahaha
how cool is that? huh? huh?

owh I'm feeling very sleepy right now...
blame that for all the shits I wrote just now...
*yawn*
I'm feeling high with sleepiness...
maybe I am overdooze??? hahahahahahahahaha. get it? overdooze? hahahahahahahahaha.
till next time!!!

hmmmmm...
Ramadhan.....
what if... it was just a normal day..
~sigh~
i really miss my family right now....
i miss going to the bazaar and buy a heck lotsa food
i miss going to the shopping mall that plays all the raya songs non-stop to show how raya-spirited they are.... or at least to please their customer into spending all their raya budget there..
i miss the smell of new clothes, the liveliness, the tiredness of shopping all day long..
amd then when we went home we will unpack all the food and break fast together..
owh, shit! i damn miss that!!
i don't want to be stuck here!! there's no liveliness here!! i feel like i'm the only one fasting here!
God, how I miss matrics life...
after we break fast we will all went to the bathroom sink together to wash the dishes, the bathroom will be crowded, there'll be sound of footsteps and boy screaming outside (for reason God know why) and they'll sing raya songs with their lungs out..
i miss break fasting with afiq, azrai, sirad, lina, almas.....
i feel so pathetic break fasting alone
i feel like one of those widows whom the ex-wife left him with nothing... including his own property... well, that's what usually an ex-wife do, right?
ugh!
i wanna go home! this place is a shit!
not to mention the food price is so expensive!
geez, i wonder how people in KL survive.... their food expenses for a week is equal to my food expenses for a month if i were in Johor
go Johor!!
boo KL!! (although Bangi is in Selangor I insists KL-ians too are involve in this matter)
huhuhuhuhuhuhuhu..
back to the point
what if i want it to be a normal day?
just normal...
no puasa, no raya... no celebration
~sigh~
what am i talking about
I'm so stupid
I just miss my old man....
I miss him being there in his wheel chair..
breakfasting with us
I miss him bringing us to Pengeli to puasa and spend our first raya there..
I miss Tok Wok and her delicious ikan patin masak lemak cili api
I miss nenek and bibik preparing food together and we'll listen to the radio to know when to break fast and there'll be this one song that'll be played everytime after the azan...
I miss all of them....
sometime I felt like i have no one in this world
people come and go in my life acting like they leave nothing in my heart
for some reason I feel like I'm not good enough for anyone in this world
I'm not that good as a friend nor that I'm good as a son....
I have a hamster but they all died..
because I'm not good as their keeper...
I'm never there when they need me...
even if I'm there it doesn't bring any differences though.....
how I miss the good someone in my life
how I miss feeling life is as full as it can be
how I miss feeling like I don't need anything more in my life
when I play with hammy, when abah take us on vacation
the smile we all had when he made jokes while we on a boring trip to somewhere
how I miss the thing that is actually gone in my life...
things that will never come back....
I don't want any special day in my life
as I know that special day will never be as special as it was when they were all here..
and the price of growing up is kept being paid by me and the rest of the humans in the world
somehow i feels like my heart is being crushed more with a footsteps of people who has actually step into my life
owh shit!
look at me! talking bout feeling and stuff!!!
sheesshhh,......
this is why i hate spending Ramadhan here!
God, I deserve a good fucking pair of jean when I get back home!!

*moan*

wake up in the morning feeling like - no, not P. Diddy - a shitty...
geez.. that sound almost like a slutty....
sore throat, shortness of breath, you name it
ugh... just a reminder on how much i hate fever..
thank God it doesn't mess with my sinus thingy...
hmmm.... that's weird. it didn't mess with my sinus thingy...
in the morning when i wake up i don't feel like doing anything (ok. i know i'm not a morning person and everyday when i woke up i don't feel like doing anything but this is a whole different thing)
i feel like just lay there on my bed and play dead.. hoping i can get over with this fever thingy...
but i keep eating greasy and spicy food
you can't blame me, though. i'm not going to spend my day eating soup! i've feel shitty enough!
and this ptptn thingy... are they, like, asleep the whole time?
i've been calling, like, most of the time and no one (there's better be no one. i can't find any other logical reason. i mean, asleep? are you kidding me?) is there to answer my calls....
dah la i'm already considerate enough to call them as i don't think i want to talk with anyone with my sore (very sore) throat and Macy Gray's voice..
i really don't feel like talking to anyone.....
i feel like lying there in my bed doing nothing until the fever vanish on their own...
ugh....
let alone sings in the choir for the convo ceremony...
nah, i'll just mime...... (although i think my sexy voice will bring a difference in that rather boring choir)
plus, it's not my fault i have to call them (like the last time i have to admit i didn't checked properly. or maybe it is just her luck. or maybe my bad luck)
i mean, who put a deceased man as the penjamin?
that's sooo stupid. how am i supposed to get his signature
well, although i won't mind him coming to give me his signature... i miss my old man..
hmm... whatev.
and what with my roommate?
haven't heard of this magnificent invention called THE EARPHONES is one thing..
playing lagu raya when we're not even fasting yet is another!
i mean, he's a nice guy..
he helped switched off the fan when he sees me grabbing my brown elderly-looking sweater and shivering with cold... and help putting my hanger back at its place when i dropped it, trying to get my sweater. plus, he looks concern.. (although i thank God he didn't come to me and do the i-pull-your-blanket-to-cover-you-cause-i-know-you-are-cold-and-i'm-concern or whatever you called it thingy.. that would be freaky)
as much as i don't (really) like him, i can say i felt a little bit errr... terharu
ok. now i sound like a sick, dying person.
back to this lagu raya thingy... it's not like i hate it..
it's just that... i hate the memory that come with it..
you'll never know unless you've lost a lot of someone in your life
i just hate the fact that i keep comparing the latest (i can't seem to find other suitable words) raya wuth the past one..
the one that is more lively, cheerful.. not just sit there on the living room watching entah ape2 show that aired on the television... (although many kids think it is totally appropriate nowadays)
why can't i just moved on already?
for some reason, on certain level, i'll hate hari raya like how Uncle Scrooge hate christmas (pe kne mngene uncle scrooge?)
the point where i'll lose more someone in my life and there i'll be
sitting alone in my lovely apartment with it walls painted dove gray
watching entah ape2 shows on my big-screen plasma television
on the first day of raya......
as gloomy as it may sounds.. especially when the walls is painted with dove gray colour..
hmmm...... maybe i'll adopt a cat. or maybe a chimpanzee.
and then i can sleep with a bunch of kids and be the next Michael Jackson...
great.
i'm going to continue lying on my bad now...
until i can feel less shitty and stop saying crappy stuff...
till then
xoxo

fren fwen fwenzy!!

long time no blogging...
long time not feeling this shitty..
maybe because i have to do my laundry all over again because it is raining and i'm stuck in dectar singing choir (but i doubt the rain actually fell bcause of my singing, seriously)
tired... and i'm feeling like catching a fever..
don't get me wrong
i don't want the fever.. it's just a phrase
i remembered my conversation with afiq;

me: aku rase cam nak dmam arrr
afiq: da ko yg nak dmam, jdinye dmam arr! hawaw!
me:errrrr.... g mkan yok. lapo arr..

hmmmm.... how i miss that guy and his mulut-laser-attics that most of the time got me giggling and mnyinggul2 him as a sign of warning and reminder for him to actually be polite (kalo ngan lecturer ngan makcik cafe poun nak laser ta bragak arr weyh...)
and sometime make me feel very kecik hati... hurrrmmmm...
making friends in university is quite hard because
we're so far away
and we seldomly hangout together unless when we have or after class
hurrrmmm...
thank God i got a pretty cool coursemates that is actually are almost as crazy as i am
it's not like i don't have a cool and crazy coursemate before
crad, almas, lina, amil and my physical20 friends..
u guys are the coolest!
but....
kowang tak lyn Lady Gaga like they actually do!
hahahahaha
sometime bes gak kalo ade owng yg kite leyh share with our music interest
kan? kan? kan?
hmmmm..... what else to babble about?

while listening to Taylor Swift's Forever and Always ttibe terigt plak nasihat mak akue (pe kne mngene?)

mak: man ni jgnla kawan kalo ngan owng tu owng tu jek la smpai ke akhr hyt....pe kes? nak kwn tu biarlh (ala2 Bob Kuman dlm citer Jutawan Fakir) berjuta juta juta...
me: errrr..... apekah?

ntah arr..
i think it is better for me to befriend with only that person but have a true everlasting friendship rather than befriending with (ala2 Bob Kuman dlm citer Jutawan Fakir) berjuta juta juta friends but none of the is actually a true friend of yours.. (generally speaking, yours. specifically, mine. get it?)
don't you feel the same shit?
i mean i'd rather not have a friend at all than actually have a fake friend
i don't know how to fake a smile
so, what make you think i can actually fake a friendship?
i don't go around being sooo-not-myself and talk to some stranger guys about hows the soccer game last night or nice bike...is it 125erz? (or whatever the name is)
i talk fashion, gaga. so what?
if you think i am weird you can go screw yourself and call that fucking normal
and i am so tak tahn with person who actually see me sitting alone or eating alone and then come to me and ask me, "knape mkn sorang2 ni? kwn mne?"
what the...
i am no fucking kindergarten kiddo who needs a potty training anymore, ok?
(no offense to all the cute kids out there)
i am 19 going 20 and i can take a good fucking care of myself
i don't need your sympathy to stand on this cruel world
i already have my own fucking feet, thank you.
(wow, i'm being so polite tonight.. what has gone into me? 'thank you'? pft..)

huh...
and i am warning to all of you who is reading my blog out there
don't comment or say anything about my post in front of my fucking face, ok?
this is my blog and i'm gonna write any fucking things that i want either it is personal or not
imma bitch, yo! (ttibe nak rap)
wtv
i think i'm gonna get going and wash this... ugh! irritating clothes that can't seem to be aware of the rain and just sit there on the ampai waiting for the rain to wash them again
i hope apollo will be nice to me tomorrow...
peace out!
xoxo